As I excitedly tore open the package of my brand new Baby Einstein Baby Neptune Ocean Adventure Gym, I thought eagerly of how it might banish the banalities of my everyday. I could almost feel the plush, multi-colored fish beneath my trembling fingertips. It was as if the six classical melodies were already crooning to me as I relaxed on the prop-up whale pillow, my every care melting away. Anticipatory drool began to dribble down my chin as I imagined the On-the-Go plush teething octopus clenched gently between my canines. The thought of detaching him from the gym structure and taking him absolutely everywhere with me was almost more than I could stand; we would be inseparable. I knew that next week’s arrival of Jacque, the Lamaze Peacock, would complete this blissful outfit. And at only 34.5 x 31 x 19, it was sure to fit in my cubicle at the office.

When the box arrived, I asked my secretary to hold my calls for the day so I could spend some quality time with my new entertainment center. The website assured me that my soft activity gym would “come to life with the crisp and colorful real life scenery of the sea.” I took it out of the box immediately and followed the minimal assembly instructions, anticipating a mind-expanding voyage into the deep. With bated breath, I laid my head upon the whale pillow and waited. Turning my face to the side, I screamed in horror at the sight of my sagging, weary face, caught in the flash of the baby-safe, fish-shaped mirror.

Nobody told me a mirror came with this thing. And I don’t own mirrors for a reason. Last summer, my girlfriend found me locked in my bathroom, staring at the mirror while repeatedly slapping my cheeks and screaming the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody over and over in the shrillest tone I could muster. They had to break down the door and drag me out, shortly after which Wanda dumped me for our mailman. I haven’t looked in a mirror since. But I digress.

The point is, folks, that I’ve had adventures, and I’ve been to the ocean. And this product, though promising both, offers neither upon arrival. Promotes trilingual learning? More like trilingual horror. I’m sending this goddamn octopus and his cronies back from whence they came.

Contributed by: R. McCray
Rating: 1 / 5