Why don’t other people who were adopted understand how some adoptees feel?
A Parent asks, I’ve read lots of posts here about the negative feelings some adoptees have, and that’s cool, I understand where other people are coming from.
But I (as an adopted person) am happy with my life and my parents, and I’ve never felt a void or empty or anything. But if you say that people say you are in denial or something.
How is it so hard for people to understand that I obviously had a different experience to theirs, and I don’t feel distant from my parents and family (adopted ones)?
Everyone says “Have your own feelings and your own truth, it’s your life and your reality”.
But then they tell you you’re wrong if you don’t feel at least a little bit angry or upset over being adopted.
It’s like being an adoptee who is truly happy and at peace is considered ‘wrong’ by certain people.
Why are some people like that?
Hi Sookie- I just wanted to say thank you for your answer, and I’m so sorry to hear of you going through that experience, I wouldn’t wish that on any child, adopted or otherwise. I hope you have found your answers now and can be more at peace :=)
Lillie H- I’ve done a lot of self reflection, to get to the stage that I’m at today, some of it was made a little harder by the so called ‘support’ of other adoptees who tried to convince me of how I should feel. I’m happy with my feelings, and I’m certainly not ‘bothered’ by the less than positive feelings of other adoptees, such as yourself, except of course that I feel compassionate towards anyone who’s had a difficult life for any reason.
I hope one day you’re able to experience the peace that I feel, and I wish you luck on the journey of self-reflection that you undertake. All the best :=)
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I don’t think they mean to be condescending. I think most of us can be faulted sometimes for projecting our own prejudices onto others, without meaning to.
Remember, some of the people who make these accusations might have gone through periods of denial themselves, and are mainly concerned that you ‘benefit’ from their experience.
Maybe just let them talk about what they feel and why and commiserate with them — it helps people to know you realise you’ve been luckier than they have.
some people just arent open minded enought to see that everyone sees life differently. its ok to be angry or confused. but its also great to be happy with your life. just think of it this way… your parents didnt just get a baby… they picked you so that makes you that much more loved
mah ..paula is crazy….
i understand ur feeling…why would u miss a stranger ?? somebody u just lived in for 9 months’?? and than let u? (don’t know the reason , but i think let adopt a child is a chance for the baby to have a family which can care bout him a better way that the birthmother can do ….so a very courageous act !!!!) anyway parents are thisone who grow u up …..nobody else…..
I don’t know why some people are like that. I suppose they might see the glass of their life as half empty instead of half full. Maybe they are dwelling on the negative – my parents didn’t want me – instead of the positive – I was chosen to be a part of this family. Creating a baby and giving birth doesn’t make you a mom or dad – a mother or father, sure, but the titles of mom and dad are special for people who love, nurture, raise, care for and provide for their children – adopted or “natural”. My 17 year old brother in law was adopted. It took almost 4 years for it to go through. He has no desire to find his birth parents, doesn’t feel any kind of gap or distance, emptiness… His parents (adopted) gave him two brothers, a sister, grandparents, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles… he’s a very happy and well adjusted kid. I don’t believe he’s in denial of any kind. And I don’t believe he’s angry or upset in any way about being adopted. We all love him very much and have since he was just 2 months old. I’m glad that you are very happy and at peace with your adoption. Your parents must be very proud. God bless
As an adoptee myself maybe I can explain why some adoptees think your full of @#$%.
This is all going to depend on how you were raised, where you were raised. Along with the fact if your a different ethinicty as your parents? And how old you were when you were adopted.
I grew up in Mankato,MN (in the 80′s) where they thought it was cool to call me a gook and chinck and everything else until I was in high school. Living in the midwest amongst a population of all white people who are basically all hicks and very narrow minded makes you start hating a lot of things. Also it was made very clear to me that I was not white and that I was very different in every way and shape.
My parents tried there best to say that the color of my skin didn’t matter and that they loved me anyways for who I was. However, when I would ask for them to help me with my heritage because I was interested in where I came from they became very offended like I was intentionally trying to hurt them. And the more I went out on my own to find out about my heritage the more my parents started to get offended and the more we fought and started having problems. This is where the void and hatred started to play. But once I graduted high school and started college and had my own child I forgave my parents for the way they acted. Beacuse as a parent myself I can see why my parents might of felt threatened when I started to research my heritage. I know my parents wanted me as a part of there family but I don’t think they prepared themself for the fact that I as I grew older that I would be interested in my own heritage and where I came from and because they couldn’t grasp this idea they took it as if I was trying to rebel against them.
Personally it sounds like most of these adoptees that you’ve talked to are immature and need to learn how to grow up and find some kind of closure and be thankful for the parents that adopted them.
Because anybody can make a child but it takes special people to raise a child that is not of there blood and love them unconditionally.
Sasha, I had a very happy upbringing and very wonderful adoptive family, yet I have very great misgivings about the adoption industry and the way women are coerced out of their babies. I was one of those unnecessary adoptions, my natural mother wanted me very much.
But, I certainly don’t go around telling “happy” adoptees that they are wrong to be happy, at least that is certainly not my intention. My main goal is to educate on the shady practices in adoption and the damage that it does to *some* adoptees.
But you are certainly entitled to your own opinion.
I just wonder, though, if you are so happy with being adopted, then why do a few unhappy adoptees bother you so much? Perhaps you need to do a little deep self reflection to find out why…
Just a thought.
Peace.
There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in feelings – well – there shouldn’t be.
I do know of many adoptees – (myself included) – who would have said your EXACT same words once or twice in their lives – but have since woken up – as if from a long sleep – or as if emerging from a thick fog.
This often seems to coincide with some major life event. For me – it was when I had my own children – and I could put myself in my first-mothers shoes.
Sometimes it’s when you reach a certain age – and you realise that you want to search out answers – and stand up and say what you really feel.
Each and every one of us have so many different influences over how we feel about our adoptive experience.
It can be effected by age of adoption, what type of adoptive parents you had, if they were open to curious questions that all adoptees sprout from time to time, if they supported you openly in searching (if you wanted to), if you found and were received well – or rejected – also if you yourself believed in the stereotypes that ‘birth’ mothers are often portrayed as druggies etc – when often in infant adoption – this is usually not the case. Also finding out about the facts of why you were relinquished can play a huge part in how you view your adoption.
I don’t think any adoptees that I personally know would ever come down on another adoptee for feeling all happy-happy about their adoption. Like you said – it’s your story – your truth.
I think there is some crankiness from adoptees when they’re told by those same happy adoptees (together with the chants from the adoptive parents) to shut up – get over it -be grateful you weren’t aborted – etc etc etc.
Real kids/adults (those that were not adopted) are never expected to be grateful for their very existence.
Why should any adoptee be so burdened???
It’s also all about how things are worded I suspect. Many happy-happy adoptees scream out about this gratefulness.
Instead – your opening line -
“I’ve read lots of posts here about the negative feelings some adoptees have, and that’s cool, I understand where other people are coming from.”
You showed empathy and compassion instead of sprouting the adoption hand-book blurb.
I personally thank you for your kind use of words, and the deep thought that I know is behind them.
I am also happy that you have no adoption ‘pain’ – as I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I wish you all the best.
I am happy you feel this way and have posted your question. After reading a lot of the posts on here I have been wondering if my husband and i did the right thing when we adopted our son. He was 6 at the time and is now 13. My husband and I would die for this child. We love him with all our hearts. I read how angry people are and it is so sad…..Good luck and take care
I don’t call any adoptee wrong on their feelings. What irritates me the most about adoption is sealed records. The adoptee has no choice in the matter. It is a decision made with adults who have lived their lives. Why is that adoptees who search are considered unhappy? Because I fight for the rights of adoptees across this country does not mean that I had bad parents. My adoptive parents have long supported my right to my records for years to include into my childhood and I am 42. They want for me to have what is rightfully mine. They support my battle totally. If you are a good adoptive parent, you should support this as well. Why is it okay for the non adopted to search for oneself and history but adoptees should shut and be grateful? Even the most happy adoptees want their original birth certificate. They want accuracy in their lives. It does not mean they love their parents any less. If it is okay for a parent to love more than one child, why isn’t okay for a child to love more than one parent? When 97% of natural parents want contact from their children, why can’t the records be opened to allow access? Current adoption laws in 44 states basically state the adoptee is property of their adoptive parents. Shouldn’t they be changed to reflect the humanity of all of us?
so lucky for you to feel not empty or lacking of the so called love and care.how i wish that i could also satisfy the emotional, moral,social above of financial responsibilities and obligation to my little one.how i wish and pray that he may feel the same way as what i feel that he is my real child.i am trying my best that someday he will tell the whole world that he is proud that i adopted him,just like what you’re feeling right now.am so proud of you and congratulation to your parents
I like your question.I’ve learned on YA that it boils down to the adoption circumstances. I also believe that some,not all, adoptive parents are not very good at sharing information because they are afraid or feel threatened.
LillyH-I’ve got to say this….I’m sorry if your birth mother was coerced in giving you up. I know that happens. But not in the case of all infants placed for adoption.
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