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Snobby preteen daughter…….help!!!?

7 January 2010 16 Responses

A Parent asks, I have an 11 year old daughter that treats her mother and I like we are the worst people in the world. Her attitude went from being thankful to holding out her hand wanting more. The hard part is that my mother-in-law gives her anything and everything she wants, to include things that I have said no to. My daughter seems to think that just because she gets away with everything with Grandma she should be able to the same at our house. Being that we had her at the age of 17, my wife has a very hard time disciplining her so that has been left to me. I’m a former Marine that grew up in a military household so I can be extremely strict at times. We have gone from spanking, taking things away, and now grounding. So far all I have gotten from this is a lot of “I hate you” responses and high blood pressure. Last night I left her the choice of either straightening up and becoming a part of this family or packing up to go stay with my mother-in-all….comments please very lost!!!!
For those of you who keep saying that my wife needs to step up and do something……shut up. She and I agree and everything we do. I choose to be the one who enforces things. My dad was the enforcer most of the time and I’m sure that each of you had one parent or is the parent that is the enforcer in your house. This question was posted for those with children not those who are still children. My daughter already has a 17 year old aunt who is more spoiled than she is so why would I want to send my daughter to her. Please…..if you don’t or never have had kids….stay out of it……please.

16 Responses »

  • Cassandra S said:

    It’s completely normal so don’t think you’re the only one. I’m 15 and I know this isn’t appropriate but I do know how I act and how I did at the beginning of becoming a teenager. She is just going through a phase. She’ll start to treat you even worst when she hits 13 and you just have to get used to it. You can’t exactly expect discipline from her yet, she has lots of hormones changing and she’s starting to like boys, clicks, fashion, make up and many more things and it’s even more tough since she is a girl. Give her a break, let her talk with her mom. Make up rules, set them clear for her. If she disobeys them, no matter what she says she should pay. Let it be more of punishments now since physical hitting won’t help at all anymore. Take away the telephone, tv or any other electronics. She knows that she is doing wrong, and she might fool herself into thinking that she hates you and your wife, but remember.. this happens to everyone. She wants more freedom because she thinks she is becoming more independent.
    Anywho, good luck! =D

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  • Mindy F said:

    You need to be consistant with what you are teaching and saying to her otherwise she will get confused as to what is right and wrong. Do not ignore bad behavior or she will assume that it is exceptable. Make sure that all of the adults that are a major part in her life understand the problems that you are having with her so they can be aware and not contribute to making the situation worse. You may need to talk to your mother-in-law, let her know that your trying to teach your daughter to be more apperciative and that spoiling her isn’t really helping your situation. You made a mistake by threatening to send her away, thats not going to solve anything. Your child needs to know that you are there for them and willing to work with them, she’s pbly going to misinterpute this as you no longer loving her or something to that extent.

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  • shez_a_maneater said:

    This sounds like very typical pre-teen behaviour, and the more your mother in law contributes the more difficult it will be for you. You need to have a discussion with her about the subject, and let her know how you feel.
    As for dealing with your daughter, try to communicate more with her about the things going on in her life. At this stage, trust is needed on both sides and communication is so important. Kids are different today to when you or I were kids and they will try everything to get what they want. Ignore the “I hate you’s” and stick with the discipline…..kids still need guidance and someone to look up to….you doing very well so far… (7 more years to go)

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  • lencow91 said:

    find out what the problem is and solve that. i now many kids my age that are disruptive because of school, schoollife, school medication, etc. you don’t need school. hell, I’m in university and have never gone to school (yeah, i started uni aged 12. I enrolled through Open University). School doesn’t do anything for your intelligence or social abilities. Treat kids with the respect they demand. Be exceedingly nice and kind and nurturing, and if they’ve got any conscious, they’ll be nice back otherwise they’ll feel guilty as hell. my parents do that to me and I immediately can’t be a brat any more.

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  • christina h said:

    My kids have already gone through an ungrateful stage. While she is at school you take everything she has and put it in rubbermaid totes. All that she is allowed to have is books and seven pairs of clothing,socks, and underwear. When she gets home and sees that all of her stuff is gone, you explain that by law all you have to provide her with is food, clothing, and a roof over her head. She can EARN her stuff back with respect for you and her mother. If the mother in law buys her new stuff that gets taken away too until she earns it. I call this little lesson, None of Your Stuff is Actually Yours until You Earn It. My mom used this lesson on us when we acted this way because she only grew up with one toy and wanted us to know just how spoiled we really are.

    P.S. If you really want to drive the point home, type up a contract and make her sign it.

    BTW if you treat her like she is already an adult and let her walk all over you like the lady a few post below me is trying to say you need to do you will have a 16 yr old pregnant daughter. How do I know? I was that 16 yr old pregnant daughter. There is a happy middle ground but right now she doesn’t need the happy middle ground. That comes once she has realized that her crap isn’t sitting well with you and that she need to shape up(there is no ship out it don’t work that way). The happy medium comes once she shows respect. Not the other way around.

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  • CARRIE said:

    She needs boundary’s and consequences. Sit down with you mother-in-law and let her know that what she is doing is only hurting your daughter and you are the one raising her so she needs to respect your rules. Then set a list of rules and sit down with your daughter and explain them to her and what will happen when she breaks them. Then stick to it. Don’t give in to her. She is going through some difficult teen years and needs the guidance of her parents to help her through.

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  • Nickname said:

    I would suggest finding an older teen, around seventeen, to tell her some things.

    She most likely will look up to someone at that age and will be extremely embarressed to get yelled at by someone that age..

    I would say to her …”

    Listen? Who do you think you are? You are a little kid and I am pretty much an adult. What do you possible think you want at eleven years old? You are too young to be pushing for freedom. Grow up first and then you can understand that life isn’t all about you. What do you want? New clothes? Well guess what, I pay for my clothes. I might wear expensive stuff, but all of it is from my own paycheck. More time to spend with your friends? Well im old enough to go drive and see them alone. My mommy doesn’t have to be in toe. YOU ARE A CHILD, I AM AN ADULT. Start showing some respect.”

    When I was her age if someone said that to me that was like 17 i’d be mortifed.

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  • calypso876 said:

    wooo!!! do not give her the option of moving in with the person who spoils her!! that would just be giving in and telling her that if something doesn’t work for what she wants- she needs to find another way to get it anyway

    your wife needs to talk to her mom and tell her that grandma has no right to go against the rules you set for her!!

    other then that, you need to sit down at the table with your daughter- no distractions- tell her that you and your wife need to have a talk with her without any yelling or threatening or anything like that

    you need to explain to her that the 3 of you live together and lately nobody has been getting along- tell her that the 3 of you want to come up with a solution to this together- without arguing- you will discuss like adults

    explain to her that you and your wife set rules for a reason (prior to this you should write down all such rules) you should then go over the rules one by one with you and your wife explaining why the rule is so important- then ask your daughter if she feels that reasoning is fair- if not you want a clear reason why- then you either compromise or explain to her again why it is improtant for an 11 yr old to follow this rule

    for instance if she has an issue with her bedtime- tell her that on school nights it is very important that she gets to sleep by this time so she is rested for the next day- comprimise by stating she can stay up and extra hour on Friday night

    but either way make sure you have a very clear explaination of why each rule is in place and why you will not change them or what you will do to try to make them easier with her to live with- after that- ask her what other things she feels needs discussed– ask her if she feels you are being unfair about anything else in her life- talk about them rationally- come up with an age that it would be appropriate for her to do it her way-have her deciede on what would be a fair punishment for breaking the new rules- and hold her to it

    if you get her to sit through all of this- even if she doesn’t change her behavior- understand that she is listening- it may not sink in right away tho- and if it gets really bad again- have this talk with again

    good luck

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  • bob08886 said:

    I too am a Former Marine, I too am very strict. However I have two young boys & girls are different.
    First off you have to tell your mother-in-law to stay the hell out of your families decisions. Is this womwn bizare? You are the father my man, it’s your job to set guidlines for your children not hers. Where does your wife fit in? She also should be supportive of your decisions. Your mother-in-law has no business going against you & your wifes rules. Tell her that, she’ll get pissed off but it needs to be done. If grandma buys her things you said no to, return them or throw them out!! Granny may get the hint that way!!!
    When your daughter says she “hates you”, go up to her & give her a big hug and tell her you love her too!!
    One last thing, your wife has got to stop trying to be your daughters “friend” and be her “mother”. Doesn’t matter that she was young when she had her. Your daughter has enough “friends”, she needs a mother to guide her.
    I get pissed off at my boys, I yell & scream & carry on, when it’s all over we still hug each other & say ” I love you”.
    Good luck Marine–

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  • Sherri said:

    I was pregnant with my 4th child when my daughter was 11 years old. My poor husband had two very hormonal women in this house and it really felt like only one of us would survive the year. As a preteen, your daughter is going through puberty – and although that is no excuse for rude behavior, it absolutely has an impact on her mental well-being.

    Please talk to grandma to make sure she is on the same page with you regarding gifts for your daughter. Maybe you can suggest that she checks with you before she gives the gift to make sure your daughter is playing both sides to get what she wants. A united front will help her to understand that everyone is looking out for her best interests.

    As far as your daughter’s attitude, be sure to reward her for good behavior and punish her for bad behavior. At this age, a suitable punishment is grounding with no phone or computer privileges. My daughter starts helping out around the house to earn days off her grounding or to get an hour of phone time (again, a reward for good behavior). It seems like we get back on track after she recovers from her punishment.

    Good luck!

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  • J'adore said:

    This is normal behavior, and I can tell you now that if you play the ex marine hard @$$ she will go and live with the in laws. I’ve witnessed how many many marines like to “discipline” or be “strict” I can say I’m glad I’m not married to one because we would be fighting everyday. Being strict and disciplining is one thing, but being a straight up dictator is a totally different. The harder you push to have total control, the harder she’s going to push back.

    I can’t even begin to treat my children like I have seen some marine fathers… it’s borderlines abuse….

    I think you need to just back off her, and don’t take everything so badly.

    you shouldn’t worry about the things you can’t change… she’s gonna get worse until she moves out… she’s getting to be a teen… you need to brace yourself for it now, because if you do this to her when she’s 16 and up, you are going to wind up with a daughter that runs away, has a serious drug problem, or winds up pregnant. she’s going to look for a better “father figure” elsewhere….

    you guys need to have a serious talk and work out what is punishable and what isn’t… you also need to tell the in laws they need to stop spoiling her. they are not helping your situation at all and turning you into the bad guy.

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  • Moggie said:

    This is normal 11 year old behavior. They don’t want a parent they want a buddy, they NEED a parent NOT a buddy.

    Try to calm down, yelling wont help, she will just hate you (the hate does go away but it may take a long time)

    Help her see what she has, take her to a hospital or a homeless shelter, make her volunteer at a soup kitchen, you go with her and TALK with her and help her realize that she doesn’t NEED that new cell phone like the other kids have what she NEEDS is her health, food and shelter.

    GOOD LUCK, it will take time but it’s worth it.

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  • MαττΘεψ said:

    Tell your mother in law to stop, it’s helping to turn your daughter into a spoiled brat. Take EVERYTHING out of her room except a sleeping bag and a change of clothes, and tell her that she will be doing EVERYTHING herself until she straightens up.

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  • Daddy 2 Be said:

    I commend your efforts in raising a preteen, they can be tough. The only thing I’m mad at is that you gave her an “option” to go to grandmas. I’m sorry but at 11 she has NO options. She is to do as you and your wife say and you shouldn’t care how upset she gets about it. She can sit in her room with a bed, no tv, no radio, no door, nothing! The only option she should get is if she wants to act her age or not. She can cry, fuss, or whatever but like someone said before parents need to stop being their kid’s “friend”. That comes when they move out! Hang in there and tell your mother in law if she wants to help then she needs to reinforce your rules for your daughter.

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  • olschoolmom said:

    I think the mistake most parents make with preteens is treating them as they are teens, when their really still children. They want more teen-privileges, but still want to act like children when it benefits them. I’d hold the same “strict” consequences for her that you would if she were 5. When she’s a teen, then things can start to change, but right now she’s still a little girl, and needs to be treated as such. Thank god your not afraid to spank that bottom. I have a 11 year old daughter, and would not hesitate to yank her pants down and spank her bottom red!!! (yes that is what a true spanking is, and they work 100x better on the skin of the rear, rather then through clothes).

    I’d use even more of your military skills with your parenting. Tell her this is the rules of the home, your my daughter and you will show respect for EVERYONE, and follow the rules, or face the consequences. IF she fights you on it make her life a living hell. Her life will be reduced to confinement to her bed, loss of every possession she owns, non stop grounding, and a constant glowing red bottom. Now on the flip side, if she shows the slightest bit of “positive” jump on that and praise her up and down! Show her that you can be either the “coolest, nicest dad” or “drill Sargent dad” but that is ALL 100% based on her behavior.

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  • crystal said:

    Hi I have a 10 year old girl who is going threw the same things as your daughter excepted she has ADHD ontop of it all,and I also had her at a young age as well. Things have been getting really bad at home lately I have recently gone back to work after being home with her for most of her live and now she is acting out big time, My husband is home with her on weekends when she is out of school and it’s gotten so bad between them I wanna run away. My husband is her step dad and boy oh boy dose she ever pick on him bad it’s getting so bad that atleast 4times a day she tells him she hates him and the other day she put peroxide in his coffee I know that peroxide can’t hurt you but what if she put something worse in his coffee……I’m at a loss with her so I can understand where you are coming from, she told a kid at her school today that she all she wishes for x-mas is for someone to kill him and I so she can go live with my parents they do the same thing as ur inlaws spoil her rotten it’s getting so bad that my chest starts hurting and my heart races when it gets close for her to be coming home from school, I have tryed everything with her taking things away nothing works cuz she just dosnt care. Last year she went to school and told the teachers that we lock her in a closet and feed her one meal a day so of course scoial services was called and we had to go threw a big ordeal and what bothers me most of all is that I have a 4yr old as well and she is so passive and layed back that she is getting hurt by all this too my oldest picks on her and hurts her all the time and I just dont feel it far for my little one to have to see this and go threw this all the time. so if you figure out anythings that work for you could you please let me know I could really use some help I am so lost that its crazy……..hope you find out some answers as well take care.

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