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nasty preschool children,4 year old daughter,what should i do?

21 February 2010 12 Responses

A Parent asks, hello, ive come on here to get an opinion(or two) on this situation because im not sure what to do.This is my only child in preschool, this was her first year,she’s never been before.

Firstly i want you to know katelyn is the usual four year old who will argue with another child over a toy or a chair or a bike but she is not a *nasty* child,she would never pick on a child or call them names or make them cry with mean words..i would never allow her to treat anyone like that and she has a kindness in her that wouldnt allow herself to anyway.

Once when i dropped her off at preschool i was early and two girls called her to play and they were playing chase around the play ground…i saw them head over out of site and i got curious so i thought i’d spy lol as soon as they were out of grown ups view they stopped and the first girl said to the second girl “am i your best friend” and the girl said “yea” then i watched my daughter say “and am i your best friend?” and the girl pushed her head against my childs head and pushed her back with force,then when my child didnt fall all the way the girl shoved her in the chest down to the dirt and stood over her yelling “your not my best friend i dont like you get lost”

my daughter just looked confused and dusted herself off and i yelled before i realised i was going to do it and the teacher said “we dont play like that here” (they didnt see it, i told them when they came to see what i yelled at” after that for a while my little girl said she didnt want to go to school because this girl hurt her when the teachers wern’t looking. Today,when i dropped my daughter off two different children were playing and my little girl tried to join in…she went down the slippery slide and said “owch” when she got to the bottom,she turned to the two girls and said “be careful on that slide its sharp at the bottom and one of the girls said “your not allowed on this equiptment,we dont like you get off and go away, my daughter looked confused and didnt say a thing then the girl scrunched up her face and said “get lost your naughty”

My little girl ended up sitting in the middle of the sand pit all alone playing with a cup of sand while about 7 other girls chased each other around on the other side of the play ground…i looked at my daughter and whet i wanted to do is smack the kids in the head and take my daughter home but obviously although it would have felt great it wouldnt have been the best thing to do lol….i ended up balling my eyes out all the way home.

she has also mentioned on a few occasions a particular boy who picks on her.I know some people say “kids will be kids” and i agree when it comes to fighting over toys and things but i feel like these things happening go beyond “kids will be kids” they are nasty brats.

my partner wants me to pull her out of that preschool,i’d love to but part of me feels like i cant rescue her from every bad situation like that because she will be starting real school soon and then she might think i can rescue her from any mean children,but i dont want to leave her there to be treated like that…..im not dishing out money each week to have my child treated like that….what would be the best way to handle this situation…think if it was you watching your baby be treted like that and with a devestated look on their face.
add** also she only goes to preschool one day per week,also…after the first child hurt my daughter i asked the teachers how my daughter treated other kids and they said she was fine towards all the children! she also gets picked on by children of friends…and i see the whole thing..most times she’s totally innocent..have i made her to kind and soft…can the other kids detect a pushover?

12 Responses »

  • Haylee said:

    Go to the director of the preschool. She can inform the parents of their children’s behavior.

    I find it odd that several children are only picking on your daughter.

    As a preschool teacher of 4 years myself, I have never had several children react to only one other child this way.

    If you are not happy with the schools action plan for resolving the issue then pull her out and change schools if that’s what you need to do.

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  • njmom30 said:

    You should talk to the school and let them know what’s going on and let them handle it… if it doesn’t get better than I would do as your husband suggested and move her to another one. I wouldn’t stand for this happening every single day she attends school.

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  • *Naams* said:

    You need to have a meeting with her caregivers, tell them the things you have seen and how you feel.

    Get the to be really honest with you about your daughters behavior, ask to see any observations they have made and find out what plan they are going to make to help inter grate your daughter into the group.

    It may be that as she is only there once a week she hasn’t made any real connections with the other children, therefore she is an easier target.

    Talk to your daughter, subtly, about the school, who are her friends, what happened at school, good or bad? Don’t make a big deal just casually find out how she feels.

    Good luck :-)

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  • Courage said:

    Well, I’m glad she’s only there one day a week.

    Socialization is a great thing, unless it’s what’s going on here. The isolation, bullying, and general meanness is hurting her socialization skills. It’s going to make her have a harder time making friends, and any benefit she might have been getting is being lost. The stress of going there is going to make her more and more nervous to make friends.

    Talk to the care-takers and if it doesn’t change then pull her. She’s too young to understand socially how to deal with this, and it’s only going to do damage. Either find another preschool, or else set her up in a social group where you can be a part of it (say, girlscouts I think have a very young group. Zoos and nature centers usually have something as well.)

    Add: There may be something else going on there too. Like her being unable to explain her family structure (this is the age where that seems to be important to kids, and if you are very clear that you and her daddy aren’t married… some of the kids may be bullying her for that.) I am NOT trying to get after you for that, kids at this age are very black and white on what’s right and wrong, but it’s something to keep in mind. As she gets older and can verbalize better she can turn to them and explain “No, I’m not” or “That’s not fair, you can’t make me”.

    Preschool is not as important as a lot of people make it out to be. The social skills are about the most important thing they learn there, as well as to have fun and play. If she’s not getting it there, then it’s important for her to get it somewhere else. And like I said, this sort of experience with kids her age isn’t going to help.

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  • Amber E said:

    It sounds to me like the other children have been together longer and have already formed a group. For some reason, they are feeling threatened by including your daughter.

    And, for some reason, kids (especially girls) at this age are quite nasty to each other. And it’s almost always unbearable for the parent to watch.

    I would talk to your daughter, and tell her NEVER to go out of the site of a teacher. Even if the other girls do. And to just continue to be kind to people. Also, tell her that it’s better to be nice, even if it means sometimes you have to play alone.

    Perhaps you can ask the teacher if she could bring a treat to share and tell them about herself (especially if she is new and the others are not.)

    I would give her enough time at the school to get comfortable (like, 4 more times) and see if things improve. Talk to her teachers, and just tell them that you are a little concerned, and if they would please let you know if anything happens. Then, you and your partner should reevaluate the situation after the set amount of time. Then, you will be teaching your daughter to deal with things, but that unbearable things can be changed most of the time. (Which really is how it is in life)

    Good luck!

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  • julietjono said:

    I would be as devastated as you are! It is very nasty and there are some cruel children out there, and unfortunately it does start so young. I got a shock too when my daughter started Kindy as I just didn’t expect to see it so young. I mean, that’s highschool stuff!
    I would be inclined to look for another Kindy as that one sounds particulary mean. I know we can save them from everything, but those children don’t seem the normal ‘mean’, they are extreme. My daughter’s kindy they are selective of their friends and they might say ‘you’re not my best friend anymore’ but they don’t deliberately go and hurt someone else or say really bad things. It’s more innocent mean things. i think that is all normal of that age (sigh) but what you daughter is dealing with are kids who must be treated badly by their parents or older kids to be acting that way. They are not normal. my daughter can stick up for herself luckily so she is ok. The boys there do say to the girls (except my daughter) that they are not allowed on the fort, but they don’t be nasty if the girls get on there anyway. Can you find another kindy your daughter could try? maybe you’re just gone to the wrong one. The last thing you want to do is turn your nice sweet girl into a bully because she is treated that way and mistakes it as the right way to treat her friends. There must be another nicer one out there. The teachers at your one mustn’t be watching enough either to not be aware of what’s happening and stopping it.

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  • mtof *depressed* said:

    If she’s only going one day per week, than will explain why some of the kids treat her the way that they do. It sounds to me these kids formed a bond over time, and just like teenagers in highschool, decide that the new kid is invading their space.

    I would talk to the teacher and principal *if that’s what they call them in preschool* and discuss your concerns.

    My son is going to be 5 at the end of this month, and is starting preschool Tuesday. I’m hoping he doesn’t have to go through anything like this, but if it happens, I’d be talking to the teacher, too.

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  • Ann said:

    When my son first started preschool, he was being bullied by bigger boys. I informed the director who informed the parents. Eventually though, it got better. Now I have a new problem. My son says he doesn’t like a couple of his friends anymore. One is a babyish boy and another is a alightly overbearing girl. I have become friends with the Moms and one Mom asks us to do something every week. I enjoy our time together, but have to police him to not be mean. He’s not aggressive, just will say he doesn’t want to play with her and not share. I hate to stop seeing them, because I’m hoping it’s just a phase. This time last year, he liked her and she hasn’t done anything mean to him. We have big talks about being nice, etc.. It seems to go in one ear and out the other.

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  • MicHugs said:

    Being a Kindergarten Teacher of 20 years, I’ve never seen this in any of the numerous schools that I’ve worked in… and believe me, Teachers aren’t on coffee break when the kids are out to play…

    From a professional point of view, I think this story is exaggerated and is full of holes…

    Any parent close enough to see and/or to hear their child’s head being pushed to the ground would have gotten mad enough to scold the other children through the fence…

    Isn’t that what it’s all about nowadays,… Sue the Kindergarten for everything… Go figure!!

    Sounds like a lawsuit in the making to me!!!

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  • jennifer wright said:

    First, I’m wondering why you even bother sending your chikd to preschool only one day per week?
    This is obviously the problem. I’m betting that the other students are there at least three to five days a week and your child is considered a stranger to them.I would suggest you bring her to preschool more frequently so the other girls can get to know her and realize what a wonderful friend she can be.

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  • Michele said:

    I feel for you and agree the fact yr daughter is new, friends have been established. I put my daughter in day care after she turned one, because I noticed she sparked up being around people. She is only child and we had her very late in life.

    After 3 years (now 4 years old) her best friend of all that time turned, they used to bicker which I addressed earlier this year. Teacher told me that was normal & they teach them to say sorry & give a hug. OK so I accepted that. I also encouraged my daughter to include another girl playing alone & they became good friends too.

    In the last 2 months of this year I noticed her best friend encouraging the other girl to run away from mine. Mine would run and follow,but too young to understand. If a child says I am not your friend, you then know, but ignoring or deliberately excluding, is difficult for even adults to reason let alone 4 yo.

    Over a period of time I would notice things which my instincts cringed. But would forget when we got home to ask the question. The other day I remembered and it came out. My 4 yo told me she felt sad when this happened. I spoke to the director and she said nothing was different. But I knew it was different. I believe teachers who say it is “normal” kids fight get lazy and go blind to when it becomes bullying.

    The purpose of day care for my daughter was to make friends and sadly her closest turned out to be nasty.

    I pulled her out even though the year was almost over. I am mother and I have responsibility to protect my child. They are too young at 4 to “learn to handle it”, understanding is not there. All you can do is ask questions, listen and explain. There will be plenty of times when they are older to start to learn to handle situations.

    If your school does not listen even though bullying is a policy at school then leave, many have had to do it.

    Being the new girl on the block is probably all it is, but becareful those children have already learnt to be nasty, they could turn again later down the track.

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  • Michele said:

    Add: There was another issue of a boy pulling pants down and poking bottoms. When I mentioned this, the teacher said we are on to that, they’d spoken to the parents of all involved. I said, noone had spoken to me about it. I knew then they were not watching the children properly. How could they know if things had changed with her best friend. All in all I was disappointed, it is costly day care, to find friendships ended up to nothing.

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