Four year old with behavior problems.?
A Parent asks, My four year old daughter has constant tantrums in school. The teachers tell me that she sometimes screams for an hour repeating the same thing over and over again after an incident. She has similar problems at home but doesn’t cry for that long. A lot of times if I ask her to do something she will look at me and ignore me until I scream at her. She is a very smart and sweet girl but I am starting to think that she might have a behavioral problem. I have even thought of ADHD because she has some of the symptoms such as excessive talking and she is a little hyper. Does anyone have a similar problems and have any suggestions?
At home we do not give in to her. When she is placed on time out at home she will sit in time out for a few minutes quietly. I am thinking that perhaps she is not being isolate when she has the tantrums in school and since she is placed in time out in front of others she acts out more. I am not one that believes in medicating but would rather work with other treatments if she were to have a disorder.
Thanks so much to all of you who gave me such great advice!!! I really appreciate the time you took out to reply.
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Honestly, you almost answered your own question. Children live what they learn. If you scream at your child to get her to do what you want her to do, she will do the same thing when she wants something done. Children are information sponges. You have to break the screaming cycle. Kindly ask her to do something, ask her again, then time out. If she climbs out, calmly walk over and put her back in time out. This will affect her a hundred times more than screaming at her. She wants a reaction, now. If she starts throwing a tantrum, leave the room. Ignore her. If she sees that it no longer works, she will stop and do what Mommy does. Children do what works. Period.
There is nothing wrong with her. She is just a typical American female who has been spoiled rotten and expects that kind-of treatment in all settings. She should make some unexpecting husband a broke ex when she grows up.
I have yet to meet a 4 year old who DOESN’T talk excessively- particularly at school.
Have I dealt with this? Absolutely- I am a teacher and see this a lot. What do we do? Remove the child from the situation, move to the time out area. We do not give in. Ever. After they are done, we discuss with them what happened and what they must not do again.
Why is she crying for so long at school? Because she can. Nobody is going to give into her demands. Nothing gained, nothing lost.
I had a child who threw frequent tantrums and what stopped them was a few things, mom got radical on her- and changed everything at home in how she dealt with the demands. It took many months, but the child slowly began to stop the tantrums- both at home and at school.
Does it sound like ADHD? I can’t say without working with her- but teachers don’t diagnose. It’s probably behavioral and it’s been working for her so far- so she persists. I have a child in my class now with ADHD who is not medicated. He has yet to throw a tantrum. My own son has ADHD and autism- and he has not thrown a tantrum since he was nearly 3. Literally- that was the last one.
Consistency- no MEANS no. Move her to her bedroom and allow her to scream and cry until she is finished, then sit with her and discuss what happened. Ask her, are you getting what you want because you threw a tantrum? No. You are definately not getting it now. Period.
Be firm. It works- these behaviors take time to change, but they will change when you are consistent.
Before a tantrum even begins sit with her and tell her, “The next time you throw a tantrum- you are going to your room to finish it. New rules here.” Follow through.
Edit: I wanted you to ask the teacher the following:
1. Is there a timer or some other method used to indicate when time is up with an activity? These work well at school and at home with our son- for his autism as well as for the children in my class. Some kids have a hard time when it’s time to start something new. A timer works because it’s not ME telling them it’s time to clean up- it’s the timer.
2. WHAT is causing the tantrums? At this point in the year- there is a pattern, what is it?
When you know what it is, you can better help the teacher/s to correct it. You can also talk to your child at home: when your teacher says it is time to _____ you need to do it.
Some kids have a hard time with transitions, and timers work well.
3. WHEN are tantrums most likely to occur?
Is it at the end of centers?
Before lunch?
Before rest?
After rest?
Find out- and if they aren’t sure, have them keep track. You can then tailor what you do with this information and discuss findings with your child. Your teacher says you are throwing tantrums at this time…so we need to fix it together. Make it a team effort- you CANNOT fail a child when there is a partnership between parent, teacher, and child. When the child knows that you are working WITH her, usually the behavior starts to change.
4. Rewards. I comment to my students who have been tantrum prone when they don’t throw a tantrum when I would expect them to. Today I had a child move to time out on his own- without my leading him there. He received a sticker and a high five for doing so. He still went to time-out- but he went proud because he made the RIGHT choice.
5. A tangible object such as an hourglass to hold. I have plastic ones that I give to the children. They must stop before the timer runs out- or the must sit longer, lose some recess, etc. Normally, they get busy with the timer and forget what they were so upset about. Likewise, it helps them to focus on the timer- and get themselves under control. They STILL need tangibles even in kindergarten. See if the teacher will do it- and you may buy one- they are only a dollar at a teacher’s store.
6. Behavior charts: I have one I made with pictures on it to indicate each part of our day. For each period, they give themselves a happy face if they got through it with no issues. If they get fewer than 5 sad faces, they get a reward. After a couple of weeks, I move it to 3. Then to 1. Finally, I take the chart away. This works well too.
Good luck- it’s good to see you searching for some help. REWARD YOUR CHILD FOR A GOOD DAY. If they don’t use a discipline folder- I would suggest it- a calendar with happy faces for good days, straight line faces for not-so-good days, and sad faces for poor choice days. These work so well, we count the good days together and if a child gets through the week with no sad faces: a treat at the end of the week.
All of these things combined will help- but it takes T.I.M.E. to change patterns. They will change, but work diligently with child and teacher.
As a child who had ADHD I can tell you that it might that combined with something else, but only a psychiatrist/psychologist can tell for sure. The screaming thing doesn’t fit in that well with ADHD, especially not for that long at a time, but you can look into it regardless.
When I really concentrate on something being interrupted annoys me, and I’m pretty sure I acted out by ignoring those around me/yelling when I was frustrated/finally able to concentrate. I’d recommend sending her to a psychologist to get it looked into and to teach her better ways to deal with and express her emotions.
And thank you for being willing to talk the teachers and look for help with this! Your daughter will appreciate that later, I’m certainly grateful that my mom get me the help I needed.
EDIT- Tell her teacher to take away her audience. When your child gets put in timeout she needs to be put somewhere where she isn’t seen/heard by her peers.
If you don’t want her medicated go to a psychologist who bases most of their work in the behavorial school of thought. Psychologists do not prescribe drugs, and that school of thought specialises in altering behaviours through behaviour, and is far less likely to recommend drugs.
Honestly I don’t think anything is wrong. My son is 3 and I can’t take him anywhere without him acting up and being very hyper but at home he’s different, he’s more calm and listens more. He just thinks he can get away with more stuff out in public which he can because I’m not about to make a scene in front of people but thats something we’re working on. i’m sure over time she’ll calm done, just keep doing what you’re doing and if you are still concerned about her behavior then talk to the doctor and see what he/she has to say. I’m not a believer of putting kids on medication for things like this but you do what you think is right for your own kid. Bring some snacks with you out in public, it keeps my kids quiet for a minute anyway.
visit http://www.learning-graph.com/teachingdiscipline.htm for tips on discipline.
Nope, we have a well-adjusted four-year-old.
I think it’s important for parents to know children do not understand the concept of time until age 9. Your daughter acting out is a part of life, she is trying to find her way through testing. I find most problems with children are based on fear and intimidation. Her actions are telling me the learning message is being missed and replaced with fear. Understanding your intention and approach is key to her success. I have spent the past 7 years writing a book based on my experiences working with over 10,000 children. Please take some time to look at my website; it is what you have been looking for, answers and direction.
If you think your daughter has a chemical imbalance, I suggest you check into seeing a doctor. I do not believe children should be medicated, unless diagnosed.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me, I’m an expert on child behavior, communication and discipline.
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