How do you be good step parent and have boundaries?
A Parent asks, We are a blended family.I am very supportive of my children and their choices.I try very hard to be a positve role in their life.My husband and I have raised the kids on our own half of their lives.Our children are 2,6 year old twins,7 and 8.Here is my issues:their mom doesn’t help financially, she doesn’t call,half of the time when she’s suppose to have them,she’ll call at the last minute and say she can’t get them.It is devastating to the kids when she calls to cancel.They’ve started to make comments about her canceling and my twins are acting out a little.I understand that everyone goes through hard times but I feel like I am at my wits end.I never vent to or around my children.I just get so angry with her and wish she would see the big picture.When we try to set boundaries she says,”i am their mother” Absolutely,she is.Last yr on Mother’s Day we drove 3.5 hrs to visit family and bring the kids to her and she wouldn’t drive 10 miles to come get them.I dont want to be angry but I am.
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You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and that the anger you feel is legitimate. I know you will do the right thing as a parent for what is best for the children. God bless you!
Hmm..I’m not sure which boundaries you are talking about. Can you explain that part of the question more specifically?
I’m a step-mom too, and I think it’s great that you try to be positive for the kids sake. Try to focus on the anger less. It won’t get you anywhere and it will create resentment within yourself, and the kids will pick up on it.
I know how hard it is to stand by and watch the bio parent hurt and confuse your step child. You cannot protect them from their mom, and you can’t change her either. You just have to do your best to create a positive family environment for them when they are with you.
There is no easy answer, and the problems never really go away, we just learn to deal better.
If there are fuzzy lines as to who has custody when, maybe you need to go back to the courts and get a more specific agreement in place. Then there is no confusion as to what her responsibilities are, and the procedure for canceling visitation, as well as the consequences, are clearly spelled out.
I also found it helps to try to have a better relationship personally between all of the parents. But sometimes this is impossible, if all parties won’t cooperate.
ok 1 dont write so much, i dont have the patience to read all that but just remember your not there actual parents and that will be thrown in your face. spoil them to get there trust but dont let them walk on you, and when it comes to the messy buisness let the daddy handle it.
YOU DONT HAVE ANY KIDS BY HIM? THEY ALL LIVE WITH YOU? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WITH HIM?
All you can do is show the kids how much you love them! Your stability will be a greater influence on them than their “mothers” instability! Dont let yourself get angry because there is nothing you can do about her actions (or lack of) and it will just eat at you. Dont go out of your way to take the kids to her, its not worth it. If she truly wants to see them, she will find her own way. Next time she says ” I am their mother”, tell her to act like it!
first of all whatever you do don’t talk about their mother in any kinda of bad way and try to be understanding
to the kids they are going through some major issue right now just let them know that you are there for them
The first thing I think you should keep in mind, is that she is doing the best she can with what she has to work with. Maybe she doesnt know how to be a good parent. There is nothing you can do to change that. I think that the only thing you can possibly do is to try and comfort the kids as much as possible, and tell THEM that she is doing the best she can with what she has to work with. Don’t hate her, and don’t get the kids to hate her. That is totally non productive and can backfire. (You don’t want to be the one to teach the kids how to hate do you?) Just love those kids. That’s all you can really do.
Girl,continue to keep your head up. She may be their mother but you are their momma. I’m sure they do get upset when she cancels but in the long run you will be the one they count on simply because you are they for them now in this critical time of need. It is good that you are able to control your anger in front of the children.
The most important thing you can do is pray and ask God for guidance. Nothing works better than that. I will keep you and your family in my prayers also. God bless you.
this hard one would say go to the courts but you have a right to call childs service and she will half to pick them up on time or lose all contact she should be paying child support also a male has to pay.
Talk to the children. From experience, I know kids tend to think there is something wrong with them when a parent doesn’t visit, or says they’ll be there and then doesn’t show up. Explain to them repeatedly that it is not their fault and that Mom is the one who’s missing out. As far as boundaries go (I’m guessing things like bed time, grades, or discipline) if the Dad has custody, the Mom doesn’t have any say in the matter (except abuse of course). If you two don’t have sole custody, get it. Then whenever Mom rants just smile and nod (as a stepmom I’ve mastered it!) Then be extra patient when the children come back from Mom’s house. They’ve got to readjust to the rules. I’ll reiterate what others have said. NEVER put down Mom. Even if the kids are mad and saying bad things about her just be reassuring like, “Honey, I know it hurts. We’ll get through this.” And don’t forget, even if they don’t acknowledge it, they NEED you. Their Mom is not reliable, you make up for it by being steady as a rock. Go out of your way to let them know that your word is gold.
I think everyone else has said some good advise…just to add to it though..remember that the kids are half their bio mom. So if you ever put down their mother, or say anything negative at all the kids may be pulling some negative connotation from that towards themselves. (That pertains to their father too.)
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