Are there any experienced foster parents to help me out with this? Or any input is welcome really?
A Parent asks, Hi guys I have a huge weight on my mind right now about our 5 year old foster son and I would welcome some outside advice.
Here’s the situation: This 5 year old, I will call him James, has been placed with us since early Feb of this year. After a settling in period, we started observing some very significant behaviours which we have documented and explored thoroughly. Long story short he is now seeing a therapist weekly to engage in play therapy and she strongly suspects sexual abuse has occurred when he was at home. In the time James has been with us he has gone through 3 case managers, and also had 2 placements before coming to us. Among the behaviours we experience, there is urinating and defecating throughout the house and on our other children’s clothes, and cruelty to our pets and younger children. I am also extremely concerned as James has begun showing “grooming” behaviours towards our youngest child, who is 2.5 and also a foster child. For those who don’t know, Grooming is the process paedophiles use when preparing a child to be sexually abused.
James has contact with bio family twice weekly. It is supervised, however there are 10 siblings and at various times small groups of sibling will go off somewhere together, also the mother is there. During this 2 hour time slot there is only 1 supervisory worker.
After contact Jame’s behaviours worsen and are magnified. His therapist believes that contacts with bio family are either triggering buried trauma due to sexual abuse, or sexual abuse is occurring during contact. She has forwarded a verbal and written recommendation that contact be immediately ceased while this is investigated. However, the agency is not going to cease contact. In addition, while on contact, many requests that I have made (including not allowing James to drink a Litre of Coca Cola, as he already has serious sleep issues) have been ignored. After our last contact, the transport worker who supervised brought James home and very accusatory and unprofessionally informed me he had head lice. The worker made such a large issue out of this that I actually wondered what was going on. On Monday I will be in contact with his case manager, but right now I have so many questions and so much confusion running through my mind.
What would you do in our situation? The agency’s refusal to put a stop to contacts are putting James and our other children at risk. And while it’s generally a good thing for children to have contact with bio family, I feel in this case he needs to make a clean break from them. I feel as though we are fighting a losing battle with this child, as every time we make a step forward with progress, he goes on contact and it’s 3 steps back. I have become so attached to James and want nothing more than to fight this out for his sake, but I feel as though the writing is on the wall and I’m seriously considering ending this placement.
I’m sorry this is so long winded, I’ve never before sent a child away and it’s not something I can do lightly, I’m desperate for some advice or input.
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- Q&A: ls anyone here a foster parent, or has been in foster care? What do you think the children want?
- Are there any step parents, foster parents or grand parents who will answer these questions for me?
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God Bless your heart ! My husband and I have experienced a majority of what you have just talked about. I am so sorry you are going through this, but if the case manager is not turning in the therapist’s recommendation to the supervisor, you have every right as a foster parent to call the supervisor yourself. If that gets no results, don’t hesitate to climb the ladder as high as you have to. Get ill with them !! We understand they are overwhelmed themselves with all the children they have to place but this is a child’s well being in jeopardy. Always remember a foster parent’s secret weapon is the phrase (my home is being disrupted) – they have 12 hours to act – one way or another ! Been there, done that. Our oldest daughter had to end contact with her bio mother while her younger siblings still had contact – it wasn’t pretty but it had to happen. I hope you get some results and this has helped some. Remember, you are a blessing to so many children and it’s not easy !! You have to do what you can for the sake of the child but if it falls on deaf ears, then you have to make the decision to end placement. Not an easy task, but you have your family to think about also. God is with you and y’all are in my prayers. Hope this helps in some way to know someone out there has been through what you are going through now. Good luck !
I remember the first child I had to “send away”. It was heartbreaking. With fostering, we all have limitations and must do what is right for our family. Continuity is supposed to be the number one thing. In this process, what has your agency offered you? You should at mimimum be getting respite!
When we take in foster children, we know it is a temporary situation. The goal is to give them a safe place during their time of transition. We are not therapists (although we often act like it) and we are not their parents. We are surrogates for lack of a better word. We are there to provide nurture and structure while the professionals do their job.
We had a number one rule while fostering: No cruelty to animals. It is a no brainer to us. We let them know that when we became foster parents. If I had a young child in the home, sexual issues woudl have been on my no list as well. It is not that these children are not loveable, or that they do not deserve a good foster family, it is just each foster parent has to set their own limitations in order to maintain their family.
You will feel guilty about saying goodbye. I look at it this way: Is the child being served by being at your home? It appears the child has behaviours that he woudl be better off in a home with less children, no animals etc. etc. This is best for him.
Do what is right for you, know that you have done the best you possibly can, and fight like hell for a good family to transition the child to. Their is a home for this child, it is jsut not yours.
PS< if this was adopting, I would give the opposite advice: adotion is forever, fostering is temporary.
ETA: Those giving thumbs down, try fostering for awhile and then judge.
I too have fostered sexually abused children and all the behaviors you report are those of the sexually abused child. This child will be better served in a home where he is the only child or the other children were much older than him. I think there must be more than one supervisor for all those children. Insist they have another person present or volunteer to supervise yourself. I have never heard of the 12 hr limit—whatever that is—we do not have that; I am sure. I would NOT call—You need to put it all in writing to the supervisor of the worker–make copies and send to all involved in this situation.; The transporter, the case manager, caseworker, supervisor etc. Do you have a foster parent bill of rights–it’s a legal document listing all your rights and responsibilities as a foser parent. Have the therapist write a letter to the supervisor and casemanager if she hasn’t already. If you decide to ask for him to be moved put that in writing. Avery wise and intelligent investigator once told my foster parent support group –”If it’s not in writing it didn’t happen”—if you have a foster parent support person make sure she gets a copy of all your paper work. It’s to back you up and protect you.
I have never known an agency to put a stop to visits in these circumstances but they sure took adquate steps to protect everyone.
If he does have headlice HE IS GETTING THE HEAD LICE AT THE VISIT would be my guess. I have heard of that happening many times. Suggest that the parents and other adult family members have their head checked before coming to the visita at the public health office. If they have head lice then there should not be any visits. Your wishes should be followed concerning the drinking of soda pop during a visit.
Good luck
My sister has been a foster mom for years. She has made it her life’s mission and I want to personally thank you for going above and beyond to care for the well being of children in general. I have personally heard it all via my sister.
I would suggest being proactive.
You first have to understand, that most therapists involved with foster care are amateur or newbies and/or they are burnt out by their limited pay as well as their heavy case loads. The govt under pay’s them as well as under staffing. They are learning as they go with their limited experience/knowledge.
My sister has advised me that you should start by developing a relationship with 1 or 2 siblings that you can relate to. Ask to attend the visits so you can see what is going on and keep an opened mind.
If you care for James and want to get to the facts………leave your personal desires and/or prejudices at the door and become involved.
If you want more advice…..feel free to email me.
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